Let’s Talk About (my) Anger

Anger can be useful; helping us create and maintain boundaries, as well as stand up for ourselves and others.  But enough generalities.  Getting personal without oversharing is a vulnerable and challenging task for me. 

I grew up in an environment where my feelings were ignored, overlooked, or flat out shut down.   I’d rate it zero out of 5 starts, do not recommend.  Anger especially had to be hidden, as it would be punished.  So I learned that my feelings weren’t important, they could be ignored (even by me), and I could just stuff them down.  This strategy created many smoldering embers,  waiting inside.  Eventually I had too many smoldering embers, no skills for processing my feelings (my life), and was old enough to be on my own.   Soon enough I found not embers, but a raging fire waiting to be stirred up and fired up by any passing breeze of emotion, conflict, upset.  I flared into anger at the slightest provocation. 

As I graduated college and worked through progressively more responsible and stressful jobs, my struggles with anger intensified.  Little sleights by clients, coworkers, or bosses would get ignored or stuffed, until suddenly I hated my job.  I went through a lot of wonderful friends, moving on and moving on and moving on, because I didn’t have the sense or skills to recognize and resolve conflict very well.

Not only did I lack the skills to process my feelings, I had zero positive skills in managing stress.  So, I pushed down and ignored the stress and did my best version of work hard play hard.  I would work incredibly hard at work and come home to do nothing but crash.  Playing hard evolved into drinking, mostly.

The stress I ignored and stuffed attacked my body.  I cracked a couple of my molars, developed carpal tunnel syndrome, struggled to sleep well, migraines worsened, and had my first autoimmune flare-up..  All in the same timeframe.  It was a loud and compelling call to change, but I wasn’t even remotely aware of what needed to change.  See, I didn’t think my job was that stressful.  I didn’t think I had an emotional short circuit.

But I heard that yoga might help with my wrist, my migraines, the jaw clenching… So I tried it.  

I had worked out at gyms before, but being on the floor and breathing out loud in a room full of people I didn’t know, then laying down at the end and closing my eyes was awkward and awful, in the moment.  But then I got up to leave and realized that I actually felt good inside. It was new and different and so much better than I ever felt leaving a gym.

Yoga was one hour, twice a week then.  It was cheaper than therapy, and I didn’t have to tell anyone what was wrong with me.  I had no intention of going to therapy, but I was starting to understand that yoga presented me with opportunities to learn about myself, places I needed to grow, build life skills, befriend my emotions, and cool my jets.  Plus, as I got stronger and more flexible I felt more at home in my own body.  Maybe for the first time in my life.

The anger still shows up, in real-time now.  It’s not the default setting.  Sometimes I get overwhelmed, plain old frustrated, scared, and vulnerable.  Rarely do they show up dressed up in fiery anger.  

When I was a teen, when asked how I feel, I would often respond with, “I don’t know.”  It was better to not know.  It was safer to not know.  It was easier to gauge what was acceptable for me to feel, or if I could just pretend not to feel at all.  

My ability to be present, to show up for myself, was impeded by my losing touch with my feelings.  Calm and steadiness of mind were not my norm, especially when at any moment the squished down feelings could have burst free and swamped me.  The distance between reacting and acting was not only unknown to me, but totally insurmountable.  I couldn’t see or feel a difference.

When I started practicing yoga, I didn’t do it every day.  I wasn’t always fully present.  Nobody waved a wand and magically transformed me.  Many things were said that went right over my head, because I simply didn’t have access.  When I asked my teacher, she said, “Don’t worry about it.  Those things weren’t meant for you.”  

Over time, by showing up on my mat as best I could, I learned how to reliably downregulate my nervous system.  I learned how to show up and stick around, even when things got messy, when my feelings were overwhelming, when I was tired, or disappointed. I learned how to do it on the mat, with low stakes, and I carried it into the rest of my life.

I’ve live by these ideas now:  show up, do the work, don’t worry about where it will get you or how quickly, slow down, get to know yourself, figure some stuff out, and enjoy your life more.  Maybe that’s why I’m willing and able to meet you where you are, and walk with you along this path for a while. 

Thoughts on Yoga Therapy

Lots of people these days are looking for the quick answer, the pill, the person who just being in their presence is going to make things better.

Yoga doesn’t work like that. While you may feel better in different ways the first time you leave class, it’s more like the pennies you put in your piggy bank for years and years until one day you realize it’s too heavy to pick up, it’s so full of your riches.

Yoga Therapy (YT) is also an investment and because of the individualized focus, brings greater returns.  The focus in YT is working collaborative with you to help heal things like old injuries, correct alignment and posture, and generally creating change.  With YT’s varied approaches we can work together toward changes in mind, body, relationships with self and others, and getting clear about your path.  As with yoga practice, it’s not an instantaneous process, but you may find yourself feeling a little better almost immediately.  

Investing time and energy can sound daunting.  But investing deeply in the change you seek can help make permanent changes.  If we examine the myriad inputs and experiences that got you to where you are now, it’s easier to see that it will take time to undo, adjust, and move beyond.  Our aches, pains, trials and tribulations, injuries, and diseases didn’t accumulate in 24 hours. In the same way it took time for them to build up to become increasingly painful or a problem, solutions need to build on themselves, they take time. Healing requires an investment in yourself.  An investment of your time, energy, and capacity to create change.

Yoga Therapy can help with framework, understanding, visualization, mobilizing resources, motivation, and the work we do together can move you toward all kinds of healing.  Often once a single change is achieved, others become clearer and/or more accessible.

If you are ready or willing to try, I’d love to collaborate with you on the change you are seeking.

What We Hold Dear

It’s only January 10, and I can’t tell if what I want to change in 2024 is going to happen or not.  

Here’s something I do know.  That if I can hold on to the thread of change as I move through the days of my life, things will go better.  If I choose to hold onto the change with everything I’ve got, to pursue change with every ounce of energy and all my effort, chances are it will be a forced march.  

I don’t want to be forced to do anything, especially march, I want to dance toward my goals.  I want to shimmy through my days, laugh so hard my tummy hurts, and enjoy every moment I can, on my way to that goal.

Come on, who wants to dance their way through 2024?

Legit

Earlier today, I was asked to provide information about my qualifications. It’s a good question to ask before you dive into working with someone.

To begin with, I have a B.A. degree from Hamline University, where I majored in Psychology and minored in Philosophy. After graduation, I finished up a second major in English, with an emphasis on writing.

I completed both 235 hour (200 RYT) and 340 hour (500 RYT) at Devanadi Yoga. I am a Yoga Alliance verified 500E-RYT and YACEP. Since 2010, I’ve been teaching hatha yoga, restorative yoga, yin yoga, chair yoga, meditation, and yoga nidra in yoga studios, gyms, retreats, events, homes, schools, community centers, and at various businesses. It has also been my great joy to teach Yoga Teacher Training for 8 years.

I am a certified Yoga Therapist, registered with the International Association of Yoga Therapists. I trained with Dr. Jamie Stover Schmitt of Spanda Yoga Movement Therapy. My work with clients is broad and tailored to the needs of the individuals, including; improving movement to comfortably delay knee replacement, correct posture, find more comfort in the body after reconstructive surgery, look inside for meaning and direction, improve personal integration, manage stress, and process emotions. During training I created, then successfully rolled out a program to teach small groups how to increase their capacity for internal insight, a critical tool for healing and personal well being.

Lately I’ve trained to become a master Reiki practitioner and completed a certificate program through eCornell in Plant-Based Nutrition.

When asked for my qualifications, I responded with a simplified version of what you see above. It flowed out seamlessly, which is a vivid contrast to another blog post I’ve agonized over, where I explore the idea of being an expert.

Ultimately, it’s not for me to say. What I can say is that I’ve been fortunate and dedicated in my studies and practice, which has proven extremely useful in my pursuit of being of service to others.

If you have questions about working with me, or would like to have me speak at your school, business, or organization, please fill out this form.

What Does Yoga Mean (to me)(today)

The Sanskrit word yoga translates to English as union or to yoke.  Yoke, as in an ox hooked up to pull a cart.  I’ve heard it explained that the ox is a metaphor for power or energy, the cart is material reality, and the presumed driver of the cart is the intelligence of the system.

In  practicing yoga, we can bring our energy, material reality, and intelligence together.  But there is a bigger purpose than union or bringing these things together.  Though bringing ourselves into union, alignment, presence, etc. is huge.  If we look at the cart and the ox, the reason to bring them together is for the driver to get the cart and/or the contents of the cart somewhere, with less personal effort.  To purposefully get our collective selves to our desired location, with less personal effort.  That sounds good.

Some potential locations I’ve found through 30 years of practice include; understanding myself better, more capacity to change my habits, feeling better in my body, feeling better in my mind, having more positive relationships, and finding a greater capacity to accept (and even love) myself.

These aren’t one time journeys.  Some of these I seek out and move toward again and again.

Come As You Are

Please.  Come to yoga.  

Come into the studio with messy hair, snaggle toes, old and worn yoga pants, tatty tank top, and well worn sweatshirt.  Bring a mat you picked up 20 years ago, or use one of mine.  

You don’t need an expensive bag.  A glorious blowout.  Manicured everything.

Bend to where you can today, so that tomorrow you won’t break.

Breathe a little deeper today, so when you feel pressed, you remember.

Call up your strength and settle into it.

Come to class if you’re worried, scared, full of existential angst.  Come to class if you’re overjoyed, ambivalent, or exhausted.  You never have to do more than what you are capable of.

Let’s meet where we are, do what we can, take a moment to be inspired, and carry the beauty of it into the rest of our days.  Into the fabric of our lives.  

Let’s weave ourselves back to who we were before life, the world, and everything told us who we were supposed to be.  Together.

I’ll see you there.

I Don’t Want To Yoga Today

I know this feeling well.  There have been days, vacations, and other periods of time where this feeling was hard to get around.  Times when I could not even get myself on the floor, let alone on my mat.

When I began 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training, after years of sometimes random and sometimes consistent practice, I spent one weekend a month practicing yoga with an intensity I’d rarely ever accessed.  It was amazing.  Still, even though we were encouraged to have a regular practice outside of training, I found it hard to get on my mat more than once a week.  The number of times I judged and criticized myself for falling short on this mandate, would astound you.

Once I started teaching regularly, I found that it was easier to dedicate myself to a regular practice.  Likely because I had some important realizations.

1. My practice is done by me, for me.  

2. It isn’t to prove my worth or worthiness to myself or anyone else, ever.

3. Yoga is not another measuring stick for me to use to measure my worth or worthiness. As a human being I have inherent value, inherent worthiness.

4. I am in a different place physically and mentally every single day, I can use kindness and compassion to accommodate that while still being dedicated.  

5. Allowing space for me to walk away from my mat sometimes helps me to return to it regularly without resentment.

6. Sometimes I can tell myself to “just try” and get on my mat and see what I can do.  

7. Practice doesn’t have to be perfect (p.s. It never will be).  It never has to be anything other than what it is.

8. My practice is always enough.  I am always enough.

Thoughts on Yoga Teacher Training

As soon as I walked out of my first yoga class, I knew. Knew down to my bones that I would one day be a yoga teacher. Knew I had to tell everyone about yoga.

Flash forward many years and not only did I complete 200 and 300 hour training, I also dabbled in training with one of my teacher’s teachers, and made it through about ⅓ of a yoga therapy training. I’ve practiced and studied with many teachers, and I’ve learned some things you might find useful.

It may be worth your time, energy, money. First and foremost, I believe Yoga Teacher Training is a powerful growth opportunity, a call to action, and the means to keep growing all rolled into one. If you find the right training for you, it can change how you experience yourself, your mind, your body, your energy, your life, and the world -- for the better. But it takes time, dedication, and practice, like most worthwhile things in this world.

Not every teacher is YOUR teacher. And you can’t expect the teacher to know whether they are your teacher or not. It is for you to know. Take classes with anyone you are interested in studying with. Schedule a meeting. Ask questions. Listen to how your body reacts to these things. Listen within and you’ll know.

It’s not the teacher, it’s the teachings. Anyone can spout opinions. Finding a teacher who knows what they are teaching, why they are teaching it, what it is meant to do for you, how you can benefit from practicing it, etc. is incredibly beneficial. Maybe that’s not your yoga thing. I’d still put forth that you can always choose to move forward teaching a purely physical class. Never mentioning to your students the whys, the purpose beyond “you’ll get stronger.” The teachings matter. You’ll be a better teacher having received that knowledge, than you if you never received it. It shines through. And it certainly makes standing up in front of strangers getting all bendy much more comfortable. To have the substance to back you up.

You don’t have to teach yoga if you complete training. You don’t. You can join a training to get deeper understanding, focused time in practice, consistency, etc. Even the exercises / practices in teaching will benefit you going forward. You will increase your spatial relations, giving verbal cues to move people’s bodies through space. You will increase your own capacity to show up for yourself and others. You will increase your capacity to hold space for others. You will increase your comfort speaking in front of others. And so much more.

Online training is not the same as in person. This is not a judgment, it is a statement of fact. There is something to be said for sharing space, sharing energy, sharing experience. There is even more to be said for having a teacher to can scan the room and see if everyone is on the same page, see if everyone ‘gets’ the material, see if you need more info or a modification or a deeper explanation. You can get some of that online, if it is LIVE, and if your teacher is the kind who cares whether you understand the material or not. [But online training is so affordable. Yes it is, because much of it is prerecorded with very little or no personal follow-up and opportunity to ask questions, or explore things in greater depth.] I had the opportunity to run 200 hour and 300 hour trainings online after the pandemic shut everything down and I chose not to. For me, yoga is passed from person to person, with enough presence to make sure the teachings are understood.

Will Upward Facing Dawn offer Yoga Teacher Training again? I am open to the possibility. So open, that I’m starting an interest list. Click here to add your name and contact information to that interest list.